Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
You Might Also Like
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.