Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
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According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Ironic
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
fly smarter, not harder
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again