They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
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Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.