And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
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Jail
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.