TEETH IS INNOCENT
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!