Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
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Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Lady t-rex: I鈥檓 tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 馃槕
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I鈥檓 barely holding it together
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Goodnight 馃惗
Me: I鈥檓 living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I鈥檓 a teacher
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
This made me laugh more than it should鈥檝e 馃槶
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i鈥檇 keep shit like that pretty vague
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
so weird how every mom was born today