[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”