Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO