Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.