Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
You Might Also Like
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.