Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.