ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I was up all night reading about insomnia
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.