Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Cinematography is my passion
I’d use my best pan on you.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no