ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I gave up going to work for lent.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Jail
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no