ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
You Might Also Like
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
When your best mate counts as a desk too
accurate
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The “baby” on the left….
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
The days of good grammer has went
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?