Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
how to exercise your calf muscles
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden: