Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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I cannot stop laughing at this
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Sorry not sorry.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS