Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Damn he played himself
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
my astrological sign is a french fry
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”