Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.