Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.