Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city