me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate