me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
😅😅😅
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me