[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
You Might Also Like
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
me hooking up with my ex
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
guys I’m going home
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Smile they said.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.