*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT