Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.