ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
You Might Also Like
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
respect
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.