ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds