Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
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Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”