Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
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Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall