Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
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Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.