First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
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[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.