Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
🤣😂
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
haha same
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.