Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Golf would be better with landmines.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.