ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!