me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Think I pulled my liver
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.