me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Worth remembering.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one