Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
#catsoftwitter
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*