Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
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I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*