[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
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Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.