[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick