Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Story of my life…..
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf