Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Britain be like
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.