*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn