*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
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Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
greetings!
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.