*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Nose
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
no one likes gloating
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”