@Karate_Horse: Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal
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@AndyAsAdjective: Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" SO I'M GONNA BRING IT! *brings lunch to work*
@SamReidSays: Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can't click because I'm eating cereal and a sandwich.
@THEINBREDCAT: Her: Do you have any kids? Me: I have 2 step kids Her: None of your own? Me: no Her: How come? Me: facials Her: I'm sorry what? Me: What?