me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me