me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
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Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Always
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Pass gas, not judgment.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.