Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.